I have decided to embrace it...

THIS is how I have been feeling the past little while about turning 29 years old!!!

--------------------

I even tried let it pass without people finding out - but of course, that never happens! I have been dreading this day because I hate getting older - especially when I feel like I haven't accomplished hardly anything - thanks to this dang illness I have called anorexia...and everything that has come with that :(

BUT, after talking about it with a few people, I have decided that I need to embrace this year. Because this could be an awesome and wonderfully exciting year...right??? This could be the year that I am finally able to break the chains of this illness and regain my life, my dreams, and my soul. So, I refuse to dwell on this post about all of the reasons why I regret my 20's, and how I feel like my hopes and dreams have all passed me by... and how I am still single, not be married with children, graduated from school, in a career I love and am passionate about, ect...

Life doesn't always work out as we thought it would when we were wild-eyed dreamers in high school with the whole world ahead of us. And I am not going to compare myself to everyone around me (well, I will at least try my hardest not to!). Because we all walk different paths and this was my path - for reasons I don't understand but hope and pray someday I might - and all I can do is move forward. I don't want to be constantly living in the past, living in my regrets, and most of all living with this illness in my head and controlling my thoughts, emotions, feelings, and behaviors 24/7!!! Because those are the things that get in the way of your dreams, your passions, your hope, your laughter, your peace, your relationships, your spirituality, your life!

--------------------

Because those are the things I so desperately long for!!!

my fingers are crossed!!

I have my first appointment with my new medical doctor tomorrow morning. I did end up firing my doctor before she fired me - which was inevitable. But when my therapist found out about it, he was not feeling too comfortable with the situation. He told me that I had to find a new doctor that week because he was not going to be, and I am quoting him, "my death therapist". Geez, isn't that a little harsh??? : (

Anyways, so I did find one and she happens to be one of the best e.d. specialists in the state so I am both excited and extremely nervous to see her tomorrow. This was the soonest appointment I could get so it's been a month since I have seen a doctor - and that also makes me nervous to see what my vitals and blood work are going to be, ugh... But I hope that she won't reject me too because I have had enough of that for a while. But I am really struggling right now with my behaviors and therefore, my health. I know I need a good doctor who is going to be able to help me reach and maintain a healthy body. That is the goal and I am trying to stay positive about this whole recovery thing right now!

Treatment has been pretty much non-existent since I discharged from the hospital almost two months ago. I have seen my therapist almost every week, but I have gone to only one of the groups once a couple weeks ago, and I have not seen my dietician yet. but I am trying to do what I can with what I have (financially). So that is another reason why I hope that this doctor will accept me as a patient without trying to force me into inpatient or the hospital. I am tired of everyone continually telling me that is where I need to be! I just need a good doctor who will help me and support me on an outpatient basis!!

And I promise to not be such a stranger because this blog is important to me and you all are important to me!

xoxo,
jenn

"Sometimes, people can go missing right before our very eyes. Sometimes, people discover you, even though they've been looking at you the entire time. Sometimes, we lose sight of ourselves when we're not paying enough attention. We all get lost once in a while, sometimes by choice, sometimes due to forces beyond our control. When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself. Sometimes we see the way out but wander farther and deeper despite ourselves; the fear, the anger, or the sadness preventing us from returning. Sometimes we prefer to be lost and wandering; sometimes it's easier. Sometimes we find our own way out. But regardless, always, we are found."

(from the book "There's No Place Like Here" by Cecelia Ahern)

a brief update

I feel myself getting stronger each week (when it comes to the illnesses from the hospital). And this is a big relief for me! It has taken a lot longer than it should have but I am feeling grateful that I am improving! My lungs and energy still struggle a lot when I am active but I am able to do normal everyday things...for the most part. The nausea and swallowing/acid reflux stuff is still bad but I only have one more week to be on all these crazy meds and hopefully things will start to improve in that area. Also, I feel like lately, I have been able to start re-discovering hobbies and things that I love to do. (I will write more about this in a later post). And I haven't given up on treatment and I am still fighting for recovery!!

I am still struggling a lot with my ed thoughts and behaviors. I am having a tough time trying to allow myself to see and live in the reality of the situation before I quickly retreat into my world of denial and disassociation and also trying to find the motivation for my recovery, and my dreams that still seem lost somewhere out there. But I am working on trying to find these things again. It's one of my main focuses right now.

I had a horrible argument with my doctor yesterday. She told me that for the past little while (more often than not) my weight and labs/blood work have been too unstable for her to feel comfortable treating me. And that I either need to go inpatient or make very drastic improvements in a very short amount of time or she will have to stop seeing me. And I think yesterdays appointment was kind of a breaking point for her after she saw my weight and test results. But I have decided that I am going to fire her - before she can fire me, and try to find a new doctor.

I don't want to get into all the feeling and emotions that this appointment has caused me because I am trying to not let it affect my recovery too much - but let's just say I am feeling a lot of guilt, shame, sadness, fear, hopelessness, & abandonment.

For the past three years straight I have been in treatment for my ed. With the very minimum level of care being weekly appointments with my treatment team and a weekly support group and the highest being residential inpatient - and all different levels of care in between these two.

I am starting to wonder if maybe I am relying on treatment too much and not enough on my own ability. It is true, I don't trust myself and therefore, I do feel safer when I am in treatment knowing that there are people who are supervising me, monitoring me, counseling me and helping me process thoughts and feelings, ect. But am I depending on them too much??? When is it time to start decreasing the amount of time in treatment and to start focusing on other things in life? Am I still lost in this disease because I am still in treatment and it's such a focus in my life? Or is this my ed trying to trick me into lowering my level of care so I become more vunerable for it to regain complete control over my life again??

I need to start focusing on other things and put all this all behind me. But what if I do start to have more of the responsibility of my recovery and I crash & burn - what if I leave and am not ready to leave? Will ed completely take over and will I lose any ability I have to fight this and to recover? I don't know! I wish I could see in the future and know what I was capable of. My therapist always tells me that I need to be more patient with my recovery. He always says to me "Jenn, how long have you had your ed?" And I say "Since I was 13." And he says "So, it's going to take a lot longer than a couple years to get over something that is so ingrained in you and has been a huge part of you for so long!" And I understand this - I don't like it - but I understand it. But at the same time, am I using treatment as a crutch? Am I depending on my treatment team and the other girls more than I should be?

Or am I just panicking because of what happened a few weeks ago?

such a slow and frusterating recovery

It has been two weeks since I discharged from the hospital. I am getting better but the past two weeks have been horrible and frusterating! The first week was really bad! I could barely walk around without getting winded and have to lay back down. So I pretty much spent that first week on bed-rest. This second week has been a little better. I have been able to do more but I still get exhausted and tired from normal everyday activities like showering and washing my hair, walking up the stairs, cleaning up my room or doing laundry, ect. So that has been super frusterating because I feel like such a useless and lazy person. Also, with all the meds and anti-biotics I am on, I am super naseous all the time. And I am still having a hard time swallowing (from the breathing tube) so I have been really really struggling with eating. I know I am not eating enough, but I am trying to eat something every couple of hours. I am eating things like soup, bananas, pudding, yougurt - things that are soft and easy to swallow. I also have my breathing exercises that I have to do every hour and it's so hard because my lungs are not doing well and I can't get much out of them - but they are slowly getting better.

My roommates have been so supportive and so great with all of this! I love them all so much for all the help and the love they have been showing me. I hope they know how much I appreciate them. Also, my mom - bless her heart - has really helped me a ton with things I need or can't do myself. I love my mommy!! And all of you who have called, texted, or visited me and gave me words of encouragement or just to talk. I love you all too!

Last week I had a follow-up appointment with my urologist. And things were looking good as far as the infection and everything. He just reminded me that my body has been through a lot and I need to take care of it and be patient. I will have another follow-up with him in December. He is really cool, I like him alot.

This past Monday, I was finally able to see my therapist for the first time since the hospital. It was really good to see him and be able to process everything that happened. But he was very concerned about me and is very worried about where I am emotionally and physically. He asked me if I had seen my dietician yet and I told him that I see her on Wednesday. But I wasn't able to drive down and see her because I was too sick - so that is not good and I know my treatment team is not going to be happy about that. The only treatment I have gotten in the past three weeks is one session with my therapist... which is not good considering I am crumbling in that area of my life.

Today, on the other hand, was not so lovely. I had an appointment with my regular doctor whom I have been avoiding all summer because if you remember, the last time I saw her she called the paramedics to take me to the e.r. --- she has not been my favorite person lately. I was so nervous to see her - especially because I know I haven't been eating well and was worried that I had lost even more weight. She (like everyone else) was very concerned. When she walked into the room she said "Jenn! How are you feeling? We almost lost you a couple of weeks ago!" Geez, thanks doc. Anyways, she said that my weight did drop and that I need to be eating more even if I am feeling sick because I am in a danger zone with my weight and I need to stabilize it. I am trying!! Honest I am!!! We talked for a while, she lectured me for a while, took a lot of tests, and let me go home! No ambulance this time - and that seriously made my day!!

some journal notes from my 8 day hospital stay

(Friday October 9th) - I had to go to the E.R. today because I was in severe pain and all night yesterday and this morning I have been throwing up (or dry heaving) almost every single hour! My sister drove me down there and my mom met me at the hospital.

Let me catch you up on the week first. I had been feeling kinda sick - but I usually am anyways lately from the e.d.- so I just thought I was having a bad week but then on Wednesday night the left side of my stomach and lower back were hurting so bad I couldn't move. I have had kidney stones and kidney infections in the past so I knew the pain and I knew that's what it was. My mom picked me up and drove me to an InstaCare and they said that it looked like I did have either an infection or a stone. So they gave me pain medication (thank God!) and anti-biotics and sent me on my way. Then we get to Thursday night and today. So I went to the E.R. and we found out that I had a kidney stone that was a 4!!! The highest you can have is a 5. They said that it was impacted and there was no way I would be able to pass it on my own. So, they admitted me to stay overnight and I am going to have the surgery in the morning and then go home. Kinda nervous for this.

(Saturday October 10th) - Well, things took a dramatic and nearly lethal turn today. I am now laying in the intensive care unit with an oxygen mask on because I am unable to breathe on my own. WTF?? Let me explain the events of the day: I went in for the surgery. My urologist was there and they told me to relax and just breathe... The next thing I remember is waking up and the doctor was saying "Jenn, breathe for me! Come on, take a deep breathe! I need you to breathe for me! Jenn, do you know who I am? What is my name? Breathe! Come on Jenn, you need to breathe! Look at me - do you know where you are? Can you breathe for me? Come on Jenn!" The doctor and the nurses were all around me and I was shaking so bad and I had an oxygen mask on and I started to cry (well, tears running down my cheeks was all my body was able to do). Then I remember waking up agan in the ICU. The doctor came in to talk to me and he seemed pretty worried.

This is what had happened. When they went in (through the uretha) to get the stone out, it turns out it had been blocking the kidney from emptying which caused the kidney to swell and become distended. So there was a lot of fluid and stuff in the kidney which caused a pretty nasty infection. Also, from all the throwing up & dry heaving I somehow aspirated and when they put me under the anesthea and put the breathing tube down my throat it made that worse and I developed aspiration pnemonia. My body wasn't strong enough (thanks alot e.d.) for everything that was happening and my blood pressure plummeted and I went into septic shock and acute respitory distress. Anyways, the official diagnosis was...

nephrolithiasis (or kidney stone)

hydronephrosis & kidney infection

pnemonia due to aspiration & other septic bacteria

sepsis

acute respistory distress

------------------

So in other words, I am pretty lucky to be alive right now considering what had happened. My body was already in very poor condition due to my eating disorder and that's why all of this stuff happened... My body wasn't strong enough. So, now I am in the ICU. I am feeling pretty horrible, weak, tired, you name it - I am probably feeling it.

(Monday October 12th) - Today is my third day in the ICU. I am doing a little better. My oxygen levels are getting a little higher but are still dangerously low. I am on so many iv medications & oral medications it's crazy! and they keep coming in to take blood tests & other sorts of tests. I have a catheter in so I don't have to worry about attempting to get up and go to the bathroom since I can barely sit up. They are moving me to a regular room today and out of the ICU!! That means things are getting better!

I am in my new room now. I am so weak and have no energy and I hate just laying here all day long, everyday but I can't do anything else. I have had a few vistors yesterday and today and that has been nice. My mom comes and stays with me as much as she can but my dad is at home recupperating from double knee surgery and so she is trying to juggle being in two places at once. I told her that it's fine for her to not be here with me and to be at home with dad because I have nurses and doctors watching over me. My therapist found out I was in the hospital when I called this morning to cancel my appointments. He called me on my cell phone this evening but I was not in the mood to talk so I let him talk to my mom. She updated him on what happened. It was really nice of him to call. I know he cares about me, but for him to make that extra effort just shows that it's true - especially since he has been super tough on me lately (well, to be fair... he has been tough - even mean - but it's been necessary because I was slipping and he knew it alot more that I did because I have been living in my world of denial & disassoctiation and not wanting to accept how bad things were and he was trying to stop something like this from happening).

(Thursday October14th) - The past few days, have pretty much been the same. Doctors and nurses coming in and out all day long to talk to me, give me meds, check to see if I am eating, giving me breathing treatments, taking x-rays, ect. (and by the way, they have really turned into the food police with me! Since they knew I was suffering from anorexia they feel like it is their duty and their job to get me to eat. I mean, I am used to it because that's how most people in my life are right now...but it doesn't make it any less annoying. They took the catheter out on Tuesday so I have been able to get up and use the bathroom. But I have to push my IV pole in one hand and my oxygen machine in the other and then slowly waddle into the bathroom. By the time I get there I am already tired and out of breath! The nurse tries to help me but I guess I am too stubborn and tell her I am fine. I should let her help me though. I got in trouble last night because I really had to pee and I was tired of waiting for the nurse to come help me because it takes them so long, so I decided to just hurry and take off the oxygen mask and just take the IV pole and hurry into the bathroom. When I got out of the bathroom, the nurse was in my room and I got in so much trouble for not taking the oxgyen with me...oops! Also, I finally got to shower and wash my hair today!! I was so excited but I almost collapsed in the shower because I didn't have the energy or breath for it so I had to stop and my mom had to help me back into bed.

(Friday October 15th) - I get to go home tonight!!! Last night and all day today I have been breathing without the oxygen. I am still very sick and very weak but I am stable enough to leave the hospital. I am going to stay with my parents for a few days to make sure I am okay and then I am going to go home. It will be nice to be out of the hospital.

This week has been so frightening and I have had alot of close calls with my e.d. but this has been the worst one by far!! I am not invincible and my body will shut down if I don't recover! Because that's what it started to do this week, but I was given another chance and I want my life to mean something and I want to make a difference in this world and in other people's lives.

A big thank you!

I just want to thank everyone who came to visit me (and those who wanted to but were unable to, and the ones who did stop by but were unable to see me because I was asleep or not able to have visitors) while I was in the hospital. And all the people who wrote to me and texted me! The love and support meant so much to me and was a big reason why I was able to make it through this past week and a half. I am glad to be home and out of the hospital but I still have a loooooong ways to go before I am "out of the woods."

Love ya!
Jenn

trying to find my strength

I will not give up! I can't give up!! I deserve more!!! I don't want to be held captive by my mind anymore - it's no way to live (if you can even call it living. I don't - I call it merely surviving). But how do I do this?? I have been working SO hard and fighting for recovery and fighting to change my irrational & distorted mind...but I seem to be failing at it. Sometimes, especially lately, I feel like maybe this is the best my life will be and I just need to learn to accept that... But I don't want to accept that! I don't!! I have dreams and I want to be able to achieve them! I have hopes and plans for my future and I can't have my e.d. and all of these things - believe me, I have tried!

I know that I just need to keep on going, especially during the horrible, painful, & scary times. I can't give in to this illness - because this illness wont stop until it has taken my life and put me in the ground. Anorexia is a slow suicide. I can deny that fact all I want, or refuse to let myself believe it - but it doesn't change the fact that if I continue the way that I am going...it will kill me. I am not going to let it! I'm not!! So, I just need to continue trusting (such a scary word for me) my treatment team, my family, & my friends to help guide me and support me through this until I am able to stand on my own. Sometimes, I might need their help more than other times, and sometimes I might need them to carry me - but that's okay because they love me and want me to get better. I can do this. I can be strong!! I can find that strength inside of me to beat this!

just trying to keep my head above the water

I feel like I am being punished for being more open and honest with my treatment team. I was able to open up completely with them and admit to behaviors that I am still very much struggling with - without "sugar coating" it like I tend to do. But it's been pretty difficult dealing with the consequences. Which is a big reason why I have been absent from my blog...

I feel like my emotional state is already so fragile right now - and now the pressure I feel that my team is putting on me is pushing me over the edge. At first, I very much regretted being completely honest about the behaviors I am still struggling with & allowing them to see my "true" weight (meaning I didn't manipulate it at all before getting weighed) because I felt like I was being punished, but now I am realizing that they are not trying to be mean or hurtful towards me. They are trying to help me and they are very worried about me. I think even more worried about me that I am (which isn't good. I should be worried too). My therapist thinks the reason why I am not realizing the "seriousness of the situation" is because I have been disassociating from my feelings alot lately and just trying to numb everything out. I have just been feeling very overwelmed and...I don't know...maybe I need a break to just...breathe...But the problem with that is, that when you disassociated from things - you let ed creep back in and take control over your life and your mind again.

My treatment team is threatening inpatient or hospitalization if I am not able to get back on track in the next two weeks. I mean, even before I started IOP, they were telling me that they wanted to me go IP but since I could only afford IOP then we would have to do our best and work hard with that. And then these past few weeks they have been mentioning IP alot more lately and telling me how much they wish I could be admitted. Then this past Monday, my therapist threatened with having me admitted and he was pretty harsh with me in our session - really harsh and it made me feel horrible. He said that he was trying to scare the e.d. out of me - but I think it backfired because it just made ME feel horrible, not my e.d. And then on Thursday when I saw my dietician she said that in their treatment team meeting - he had mentioned the two week deadline to everyone. And they also talked about how they don't think that I am medically stable enough to not be IP & that my weight has dropped to a very dangerous low and that they are very concerned about my health. She said that he said, "I don't know how she's going to pay for it but that is where she needs to be." And I guess that really frusterates me because I feel like just because I have had a rough few weeks does not mean that I need to be thrown into the hospital!!! I feel like they are getting a little carried away here.